Randomly 27th

Everyone makes mistakes throughout their life, but it all depends on yourself. Today is the 27th, one day after my proposal seminar. I don’t know whether I should feel happy or not. On the 26th, I had just completed the first stage toward graduating from university. I should be proud of that.

But today, I just broke up with my boyfriend, and yes, my mother is also angry with me. She even decided to go back to our hometown rather than stay with me here any longer. The reason is unclear, but I know that I am the person who made her feel, “It’s better if I’m not here.”

So today, I ended up just playing on my phone all day, even though my mother kept asking me to buy balm and the milk she usually drinks every morning. I couldn’t stop crying after I realized that might be the reason she wanted to go home sooner.

As for my boyfriend, I’m tired of talking about it, but I chose to stop rather than keep hurting myself over and over again. I truly regret what happened today, but I’ve always known that regret always comes last.

It’s not that I had no reason to look at my phone all day, because I was communicating with ChatGPT about what my next plans should be, and also looking into government scholarships. But I think my mother has a different perspective when she sees me.

Actually, I know this blog can be seen by the whole world, but I only like to write when something feels important to me. I know my mother is tired, yet it’s my fault that I always ignore her. At the same time, I’m actually upset, because I know for sure that if I tell her about the scholarship, she won’t agree with it. And I would probably feel very sad.

I truly don’t know whether I’m wrong for thinking that my mother is angry because of me or because of something else. Ah… I actually don’t like overthinking. I should be happy because I’m alone again in this house, but at the same time, I feel guilty. I don’t really know what I should do. All day long, I’ve just been crying. I feel suffocated, but I don’t know what to do.

This world is actually too cruel for people who have many dreams.

Many people say that the world is also cruel to those with low economic conditions, but they sometimes don’t realize that people with a lot of wealth are not necessarily happy either.

Right now, I have only one goal: to finish my studies and obtain a scholarship, even if the ending I get only makes me and my family grow further apart.

God, only to You do I ask, and only to You do I beg for help.

Please help me find a way out of everything that is on my mind right now…

Amen.